if I don't answer, call back.

Two days ago I called the telephone company and cancelled our voicemail and our caller display. This was not done in a moment of stick it to the man, screw technology moment of spontaneity. It was more done in a desperate attempt to save another $12 a month. You know you are in a dire financial state when you are worried about cancelling your voicemail.

Now if you would have spoken to me as recently as last night you would understand how much this whole thing has upset me. I have been a crying, bawling, sobbing mess of a mother the last couple of days. Today on the other hand I am feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole thing. Cancelling the call display and voicemail didn't cause all of the tears, they were more or less just the cherry on top of what I would call a long, truth telling, reality check of a week. The kind of reality check that is like getting smacked across the face with a stick.

When Mark and I took over the complete mortgage of our modest home back in December I knew that we were going to be in for it. I knew that we were going to be so house poor, but so rich in knowing that this little slice of previous grow up heaven would be ours and ours alone. I thought that we would figure it out and that we would be ok.

Thankfully when Mark got his new job a couple of months ago, I thought we were laughing. It was more like we were being laughed at. Even with the steady paycheque we were not able to make ends meet, and we were falling behind. Falling behind is really a sunshine and lollipop way of saying that we were drowning in bills and late payments on everything but this money hungry monster of a mortgage.

Having money on your mind constantly eats at you to the point where sleep isn't possible, and that combined with eating like crap and drinking way too much tea to try to make up for the lack of sleep turns you into a complete scattered mess.

I totally broke down when my Mom asked if I wanted help. Of course I wanted the help, but at the same time I feel like I got myself into this, I am going to get myself out of it. I didn't want to borrow money, but at the same time we were spending so much more trying to get out of the credit card debt we accumulated trying to get through a lull in work for most of last year.

Two days ago I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. I was spent... totally drained. No tears left, no energy, no motivation... nothing... absolutely nothing. It seemed everywhere I turned I needed money. Gas, groceries, more formula and Poppy asking for a cookie at the farmers market. That one broke me, how do you explain to a 3 year old that you just can't afford the cookie? ugh...

Admitting that you need some help is really hard. It's hard to say it out loud, but if I didn't I was scared that we would get into some serious money trouble that we might not be able to get ourselves out of.

So instead of throwing myself another full day pity party I decided to do some searching. I had a meeting today at our local Employment office (honestly a place I never thought I would go) and I am currently brainstorming a few ideas to implement into a home business.

Today I am trying to put a different spin on having to cancel our voicemail. I am old enough to remember a time without answering machines and I remember getting our first one. I promptly figured out how to get a C+C Music Factory song on it. Yeah I was that cool.

I remember a time where there was no such thing as call display, or cellphones, or a 300 channel option on cable. Do I really need these things? No, I have dealt without them before. I was told today that old school is the new school, so really I am right on top of the latest trend.

Not having call display is't the end of the world, but man those telemarketers are annoying, even more so when you don't know if it's your mother calling, or someone trying to sell you a magazine subscription. Today I answered two of the latter.

So... If I don't answer, call back.

late night blogging with a kitten on my shoulder

One of the last times Ola and I saw Katie (our IDP consultant) I talked to her about how I was frustrated about how as a parent I feel like my kids have to compete with other kids to meet milestones and succeed. I was frustrated that even though I went through the same thing with Poppy that I felt like I was experiencing it all over again with Ola.

Obviously I don't need to talk about Ola's potential delays, we all know that they might be there, or they might not. As of right now I think that I can safely say that Ola's development is about 5-8 months behind her peers. I am using that range because her development is staggered right now. She is not as far behind in eating as I think she is in motor skills and speech. Everyone has their opinions on where she should be, but for me I am content in knowing that she is progressing and really that is all that matters. I know that there will be times when the development picks up and other times (like currently) that things slow down. We seem to have hit a stalemate on the crawling (creeping) but are making leaps and bounds in the eating department. I dunno... It is what it is and there is no sense in dwelling in it, it will only make me crazy. Trying to compare kids with Ds to each other is next to impossible. Every child with Ds is so different from one another that something that Ola can do now might not be possible for another child for another 6 months. When I see how other kids are progressing with their crawling I have to remember that Ola is getting really good at her self feeding. It's apples and oranges really, and when our kids are 5 and all doing the same thing the fact that Ola is 14 months and doesn't crawl won't matter.

Now Poppy, she is another story. According to the charts she was late getting her teeth (first one at 9 months), she was a late walker (14 months) and a later talker (2- 2 1/2 years). I remember Mark had to take her for her 18 month inoculations and the public health nurse told him she was "concerned" that at 18 months Poppy's language was so delayed.  Up until that point I knew that maybe she could be saying more but wasn't really that worried about it. I started looking into speech therapy and then realized that the 18 month waiting list would take her to her 4th birthday and that wouldn't fly with me. We got her into a group speech session and by the time the session started she was talking up a storm. There was no need to worry, however I did pick up some stuff that is proving helpful with Ola, so no harm in taking that class I suppose. Currently I am really happy about where Poppy is. I think that she is a sharp as a tac, talks up a storm, and is F U N N Y. She has a memory that astounds me, she remembers everything, and I can't get anything past her.

The other day Katie sent me a really lovely email with a link about "what a 4 year old should know" and I found it really funny that later that night I would have a little crazy mommy rant on my brother about something similar to what I had read.

Let me set the scene.

Someone asked Poppy to count how many servings of ice-cream needed to be dished out for dessert, so Poppy started counting and re-counted two people. Instead of counting 9 she counted 11. I didn't think anything of it, she does that sometimes to be silly (she can count to 14.)

My brother told me that she counted wrong, and I didn't think anything of it until he said to me "She should be able to count to 40."

I asked him why to 40? and he pointed out that he knew a almost 5 year old who could and that Poppy should be able to as well. She is 3 1/2 just so we are clear.

I flipped. I went all crazy mommy on him. I did.

I started spewing things that Poppy could do that I figured this other little one couldn't.

Does she know how to hold a baby chick? collect eggs? hold a kitten? help feed her sister? walk a mini pony? do bum drops on a trampoline?

I freaked and then realized that everyone was staring at me, but I was so mad. Did he think Poppy was stupid? why the pressure to know how to count to 40 at 3 1/2?

I know now that I over-reacted but I think the subject was just so fresh in my head and I was already feeling sensitive on the subject that I didn't know what else to do. Plus I think that I took it personally as a stab at my parenting skills, like I have failed her as a mother because I haven't taught her to count to 40 yet. ( and yes, I know that this does not make me a bad parent.)

Every parent wants their child to be successful and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I do a little happy dance inside when people compliment me on how bright my girls are, whether it be Poppy's funny banter or Ola's bright smile.

Ola and her friends have taught me to not sweat the small stuff. Enjoy painting the sky pink, Draw 6 legs on your cats! just take it day by day and celebrate the daily accomplishments.

Congrats  to J on the 300gm weight gain!
Congrats to P on first pigtails!
Congrats to A for cutting those first teeth!
and congrats to my little Ola for eating tiny pieces of grapes on your own!

"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

A conversation has come up a few times in the last few months. Sometimes I discuss it by myself while the girls are napping and I am doing dishes. Sometimes Mark and I talk about it before we are falling asleep at night.

I have always wanted to have 4 kids (well after I got over the I am never having kids stage of my life.) I grew up with lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles and big family reunions by the lake. I always had friends that wondered why I couldn't hang out on the weekend while I had family in town. There was no way I was going to miss anything while they were visiting.

I loved those times.

So the questions is... Do I want to have more kids?

Truth is I do. Well... I think I do. Sometimes...

I bounce back and forth, back and forth on the subject. there are pros and cons on both sides. Mainly on the negative is the fact that my house is 900 square feet and it's packed with the four of us. Another is that I have a husband that isn't that domestic, and by domestic I mean doesn't change diapers. I think he has changed 4 in his whole life, and no I am not exaggerating, in fact I think I might be giving him a free one. I would need backup, major backup on parenting three kids and I just don't have it. Well I do, but... oh never mind.

Anyway I digress...

Of course the fact that Ola has Down syndrome also crosses my mind. The thought of having another child with Ds scares that crap out of me. I am not going to lie. We would have genetic blood work done if getting pregnant was actually going to happen, but for right now I am way to lazy to go get blood work done.

The main 2 pro's on my list always stays the same.

1) So Ola will have a bigger family to love her up all day long

2) So Poppy will have siblings to help her help Ola.

I know that to some people #2 might seem really stupid and sometimes when I say it out loud I feel like a jerk for saying it. Parents whose children have Ds have no idea how much it will affect their kids. Not knowing how much help Ola will need when she is an adult makes me both optimistic and scared shitless. And since we are honest over here, lets just put it out on the table that I feel horrible that Poppy may have to step in one day as Ola's caregiver when I get old and god forbid die.

Hence that have more babies so Poppy will have help to help Ola. Ugh... typing it again make me feel even more stupid.

We all hope that our kids will grow up, live long and prosper, and become contributing members to society. But we also know that the dead beats in our world came from somewhere, and they have mothers that might have been thinking the same thing I am thinking right now.

I decided to take it to Poppy. Well she brought it to me and then I ran with it. We have really good conversations in the car.

"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

" Umm yeah..." ugh... reminder to self... do more of the 30 day shredd.

"Why?"

"Why do I have a big belly? umm because I like to eat ice cream and because I had two babies?" yeah babies...that's the reason :)

"Oh..." she looks concerned that I brought up babies.

"There isn't any babies in my tummy right now though."

"Oh good!"

"What! Poppy wouldn't you like another baby sister?"

"NO!"

"Oh... what about a baby brother?"

"NO!!! No more babies!"

"Really? I thought you would like another sister or brother..."

"Nope. I have Ola.... (wait for it....) I have Ola and she is perfect."

Just like that.

She said it.

And that moment was perfect, and I cried. But what else is new. She always makes me cry.

In that moment I knew that she isn't going to care if she has to help Ola out. Ola is her sister and she loves her.

and really, that's all that matters.

from apple Fritters to sweet Basil

I knew after Fritter passed away that I wanted to get another dog. I wasn't trying to replace him, I just wanted to fill the hole in our home. It was weird and so quiet with only Twiggy calling the shots. Everyone thought it was too soon, and maybe it was, but Fritter isn't coming back and we had a space to help another dog.

And I am an adult and I can do what I want, and my Mom told me when I was little that I could have as many animals as I wanted. (Hi mom!) Ha Ha!

I wanted to adopt a dog because that is what we did with Fritter, and really who wants to deal with puppy stuff? Not me.

I found a dog that was almost a spitting image of Fritter in Washington state, and I was willing to drive there to go get her, but she was adopted the day after I saw her picture on Petfinder. Apparently she had a lot of people interested in her, so I am sure she was placed in a good home. I thought I would look on Kijji to see if anything there looked promising. I saw a few pups (I know I just said that I wouldn't but....) and then pages and pages in, I saw him...

Oh my! I was ecstatic. Mark had no choice in this decision, I told him I was getting this dog! He met all the requirements I had.

Cute (check)
Good with kids (check)
Good with dogs (check)
Good with cats (check)
Email sent (check!)

I got an email back saying that someone was coming to look at him, and I asked her if I could do anything to meet him first. (insert crazy lady email here)

I figured there was no way she was getting back to me. But she did! The next day. The people were a no show and he was mine if I was still interested.

I dropped the girls off early the next morning (Thanks Auntie Bev) and caught the ferry and met them there. I warned them ahead of time that I only had about 10 minutes turn around time to get right back on the same ferry back to the mainland, and it was a fast meeting. 3 minutes tops.

"Hi"
"Hi"
"He's so cute!, and so soft!"
"Nice to meet you..."
"Ya Ya, gotta go, give me the dog, BYE!" (Running with a ferry employee)

It didn't quite go like that, but it was fast, and I felt bad. I would have been really upset if someone took my dog that fast and left.

Oh Well...

He's Mine, all MINE!!!

and I love him.

Maybe not as much as Poppy, but close.

make me rich

I was driving the girls the other day and Poppy says out of no where "Mommy I want what Ola has."

I adjusted the rearview mirror so I could see what was going on in the backseat, thinking Poppy wanted one of Ola's toys.

"What do you want? Ola doesn't have anything...."

"Yeah Mama, Ola has something, Down system. The buddy walk. Ice skating. Down system..."

"Down syndrome? Poppy are you saying you want to have Down syndrome just like your sister?"

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Cause it's fun..."

"It is?"

"Yeah she has Buddy Walk, skating... lots of friends... Girl that brings new toys. It fun Mama..."

"Oh..." (insert awkward stare in the rearview, a tear and a a flurry of what do I say here.)

"Um... I don't think that you really want Ds.."

"No Mama I do!"

ok...hmm what am I going to say?... what to say...

"Well Poppy I bet if you ask Ola if she could be just like you she would say yes..."

"why?..." (seriously kid... you are killing me right now... don't let her see the tears, don't choke.)

"I think that Ola would want to be just like her big sister, she wouldn't want Ds. Poppy?... You can't have Ds... and you know what? You are lucky that you don't and that you are a big sister to a little girl that does."

"Why?"

"Because you get to help her whenever she needs it, and you get to be a helper and a best buddy to all her friends too."

"I do?"

"Yup, her friends are your friends. Her Buddy walk is your Buddy Walk too."

(Did it work?...)

"I get to help them? I get to be their friends?"

"Yup"

"Ok"

"Ok..." (wipe the tear, and take a breath. Phew... That was a tough one.)

Poppy is doing some major heart string pulling right now, and it is killing me. How do you talk about Down syndrome to a three year old?

How do you say that your child with Ds is "special" when your "typical" child is just as special? How do you tell them that they are going to grow up to be more compassionate, and more understanding of people with differing abilities because they have grown up immersed in it?

I remember thinking when Ola was first diagnosed about how her Ds would affect Poppy. It made me really sad. I instantly worried that opportunities were going to be taken away from her because of her sister. Ten months in and I think the exact opposite is happening.

She is being given more opportunities than her friends. She is learning at three what it means to be different, to be compassionate, patient,  and to be proud of who you are. Let your freak flag fly baby!

I am not going to lie and say that if there was some way I could turn back time and take the Ds away I wouldn't.

I would.

In a heartbeat.

But since we can't turn back time, we improvise. We come up with answers as we are driving down the street and we begin to see things differently. What I once worried was going to steal things away from her, I now know that it is only making her richer.

And I can't wait to see how rich she becomes. :)

Poor Ola... she can't do anything about her camera hog of a sister.

Apple Fritters

Fritter 2002- 2011

A few days ago I lost my best canine friend Fritter.

Fritter was my first dog as an adult. I always had dogs growing up, but he was mine. (and Marks)

As soon as Mark and I moved in together I wanted a dog and chickens. We had adopted a 13 year old cat, but I wanted a dog. Badly. We agreed that after we got married we would start looking for a dog. A week after we got married we went to Thunder Bay ON for Marks' cousins wedding. I had been volunteering at our local SPCA for quite some time and I wanted to see what their shelters looked like compared to ours. Mark and I really didn't have much to do in Ontario so we decided to go to their local shelter to kill some time. Plus maybe we would see a dog we really liked.

We went in looking for a puppy, and the staff lead us past some cages right past this wiry, crazy eye browed and bearded dog to a little black Newfoundland pup. I know I wanted a pup, but I didn't want a huge dog so we said thanks, and  walked back past Mr. crazy hair and he literally did a cartwheel! We stopped to look at  him and he did a few more. Huh. He's cute I thought. But, a puppy, we wanted a puppy.

Mark and I left and drove around some more. Out of the blue Mark asked me what I thought of the crazy cartwheeling dog. I thought he was really cute. So did he. We went back and we were done for.

We took him outside where he didn't even care to meet us and we knew he was the dog for us.

I called WestJet to see if he could come home with us, and Mark called his aunt to see if he could stay at her house.

We explained that we were from out of town and the staff assured us that he had been in the shelter way too long (3 months) and they didn't care if we were from BC. The lady actually said she was glad that he would get a fresh start. His name was Eddie. He lived with a homeless lady and her cat. He had been taken away from her because they had become a nuisance to people. Another lady had adopted him and named him Buddy. One day while out for a walk they bumped into said homeless lady and she wanted him back. For some reason she gave him back to her. He ended up back at the shelter again after pestering customers at a donut shop. Cue the crazy couple from BC!

We found out all of this info after we paid for him and then were told that we couldn't adopt him because they found a microchip that they never noticed before. They had to contact his previous owner first. The lady behind the counter decided to pretend there was no chip and she let us go with him. She figured he just needed to get of Thunder Bay!

We drove right past the Robin's donuts where he had been picked up and they had a sign out front advertising a special they were having on apple fritters. We knew that had to be his name. Fritter.

He was an awesome dog, laid back, goofy, and loved everyone! I couldn't have asked for a better pet. A super dog right from the get go! (well after we convinced him to eat dog food!)

Fritter started getting sick about 3 years ago, and stumped all the vets and specialists that he saw. We pumped him up on steroids, and he improved, then deteriorated, improved, and then over the holidays just didn't seem to have it in him anymore. We talked to our vet and decided that it was time to let him go.

Fritter passed peacefully in our home, where he belonged.

I miss him.

 Kickin' it at the cabin

 Making a sick little girl feel better

Dropping the ball on the New Year

I had planned on making a big post ushering out 2010 and welcoming 2011 with open arms.

 I started and then my darling hubby complained that his computer game wasn't loading properly from my uploading photos. I was too tired to argue, so I deleted it.

Anyone else out there have a hubby that is stuck in the 14 year old boy phase of loving video games? anyone? Please tell me I am not alone :)

We had a quiet New Years, it's too hard to do crazy ring in the new year type things when you have two little ones that need to be in bed at 7:30. I would rather have them home and in bed on time than out partying until the wee hours.

I am so old.

The one thing that I do love about New Years is that it means that my birthday is officially only one month away! I am turning 33 this year!  *** EDIT! I just got a call from my Mom. Apparently I am only going to be 32! HA! I gained a year! I told her I can't do math! This is going to be a good year. I am determined to make it so. I have said over and over to everyone that will listen to me that 2010 bit the big one, but really I think that I was making mountains out of mole hills. Mark and I had our toughest year ever. We are lovers not fighters, but 2010 was a hard one. I have never felt so out of tune with him, and with our whole relationship. Everything he did pissed me off, I had felt angry for months, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was exactly, but have since come to realize that it was a bunch of little things that were getting to me. I won't bore you with the details, but what I will say is that sometimes difficult conversation need to be had, tears need to be shed and in the end you feel better. Well, maybe not right away but good things can come from hard topic conversations. It was a hard year financially, but it was for a lot of people. And somehow amidst this we managed to buy our house.

Really when I think about it we had a really good year. Ola was born, We made some new friends, bought our house, saw Poppy off to pre-school for the first time, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, holidays with the ones we love, had our first trick or treating fun, and a babies first Christmas!

I made some new years resolutions, however after seeing a video about sharing New Years resolutions I decided not to share any of them. The speaker talked about how after you share your resolutions you are not as likely to keep them. I want to make mine happen so I am keeping them to myself. I wrote them down on my 2011 bucket list, put it in a drawer and closed it. I think I have 14 things on it right now, I might add some more, I might not.

I will share my accomplishments when I cross them off, but until then you will have to wait.

I am wishing you a very happy New Year, let it be a great one!

update on the plastic doll situation

Ok, so Santa got the reaction I was hoping my nightgown would get...

However I am both pleased and annoyed to report that the doll was fed and changed and then left naked on the floor for the last two days.

I don't think that she was impressed with the bottle, it's too hard for her to "plug" in and secondly that there is no poop.

Oh well... on to the next.

Strawberry Fields forever....

Our local berries are ready for picking, and Mark and I have been trying to go for 2 years now with no luck. something always comes up. Work, school, babies being born, rainy days, you name it, we made an excuse not to go. This year I drove past the farm numerous times watching their countdown. $weeks to go, 3 weeks, 2 weeks and them whammo It's picking time!

We packed up the girls and the John Deere Wagon and off we went. Poppy had a blast and snuck in a few tastes as she picked. (Who am I kidding Mark egged her on!) It turned out to be a lovely day and I am so looking froward to these berries for breakfast.

New Beginnings

I have been composing this blog post for just over three weeks now, changing my mind daily on how I would explain the last month, trying to decide on how to word things. Instead of a well composed story, I am winging it. I am still a little unsure... but here we go.

A week and a half before my scheduled induction I had to call an ambulance in the middle of the night to take Mark to the hospital for severe abdominal pain. When he woke me up that night I was so confused, I thought I had woken him to take me to the hospital. I arrived to the hospital about an hour after Mark got there. Mom had to make her way out to our place. She had some technical difficulties of her own that night, with my Dad thinking I had gone into labour even though she explained to him that Mark had the problem, and then having her car trapped behind my brothers truck that wouldn't start.

After waiting hours, the doctor came to Marks bed and told him that he most likely had kidney stones. I thought, Thank God it's kidney stones. We have a baby on the way and I couldn't deal with him having anything really serious like an appendix bursting. Little did I know that kidney stones would turn into a bigger deal than I thought. He was discharged with pain killers, only to be taken back a few days later with even worse pain. This time they kept him and decided that he need surgery to get the big stone out. The scheduled, they cancelled, the re-scheduled and cancelled again. He had his surgery less than 24 hours before I was due at the hospital to be induced. Ugh... Thank goodness for my Mom who was off work and could come stay at our place with Poppy. I don't know how I would have made it through all that stress without her.

Mark had his surgery, was discharged and we were on our way back to the hospital the next morning for me.

Our little Ola's birth

Mark and I hugged Poppy and were off to the hospital at 8am on April 15th for my induction. I had packed and re-packed my bag twice trying to figure out what I needed what we needed for Ola and for her arrival. I finally decided I didn't really need anything major and left my bag the way I had originally packed it. We grabbed all the bags, sleeping bag, camera, video camera, and cord blood banking box and we were ready. Here we go I thought, I cried saying bye to Poppy, and most of the way to the hospital. My life was about to change and honestly I was terrified.

Everything started out the way I remember from Poppy's birth I was induced with her as well. This time though my OB decided to use the gel to get my labour started. I layed there and waited, and nothing... not one contraction. We were sent home. I had to wait 6 hours for another application of gel. I layed on the couch and waited. Nothing... only one little tightening.

2pm we were back at the hospital. They decided to skip the next application of gel. There wasn't much point, they were just going to break my water. First they needed to get a dose of antibiotics into me because I was Group strep B postive this time around. Another difference, why not?... everything else about his pregnancy had been different. Blood pressure that didn't sky rocket, gestational diabetes, a quiet baby in the womb, only a 10lb weight gain compared to a 42lb one with Poppy, and I had been bothered alot with nausea this time too. Bring it on I thought. I can do this. I am ready.

It took the nurses 2 hours to get an IV in my arm, which delayed the process even more. I was getting tired and was thankful that I had been able to go home and nap earlier in the day.

The antibiotics were in, oxytocin was started and my water was broken at 6 pm on the dot. My contractions started 20 minutes later. I needed laughing gas earlier than I had planned, I didn't like it with Poppy, but tried it again and LOVED it! Contractions were easy, and I was funny! At least I felt like I was :) When the gas stopped working, I wanted an epidural. No worries the nurses said...he'll be here in 2 hours. "Great" I thought... I should have listened to Mark and asked for it earlier. The nurse told me that she need to check me before I could have the epidural. That was ok with me, I was curious what had been going on in the last 2 hours. I was only 4 cm. I felt defeated. All that work, and nothing.

Next thing I know, I can't even get off the bed and back to my bouncy ball, the contractions were so bad! I think the nurse was wrong about the measurement. Either that or she pushed the time to push button. I was READY NOW! I had to PUSH! She checked again and I was 10 cm. I honestly think that 15 minutes had passed, I had been warned that this could happen, and it was happening. Now I was really scared.

My OB barely made it in time, she walked in the door and I was ready to go. Four contractions later and Ola Lilly was here, my beautiful baby girl was here. At 9:22pm she arrived, a full head of dark hair and a quiet disposition. This was the moment my life, Mark's life and Poppy's life changed forever.

I will never forget the next few moments. One of the nurses handed Ola to me after I had been stitched up. I remember saying "Look at her little face, she looks like a little gnome" and "She really looks a lot different than Poppy" I think I was expecting a little Poppy clone to pop out of me. I know I said these things, I have watched the video.

In that moment, that silent moment when a mother looks at their baby for the first time I knew something was wrong. I was worried about her little folded over ear and how I would get it fixed. I remember thinking I can't let my little girl go to school with a deformed ear, she would get teased, what was I going to do? But something else was wrong. I could see it in her face, in her eyes, I knew this familiar face. I knew she had Down Syndrome, and I knew the doctor and the nurses knew it too. Why wasn't anyone saying anything to us? Was I crazy? Did Mark see it?

Then it happened. My OB walked over to us, and offered to take our first family picture. I thought it was nice, Mark was suspicious. I don't think he knew at that point what was going on. All the nurses had disappeared. We were alone with the OB. She took our picture, and then it came... "I need to talk to you about Ola. She is beautiful, however I am concerned that she has a few characteristics of a child with Down Syndrome. I have spoken to the pediatrican and he wants me to get a blood sample from her placenta as soon as I can to send off for testing. It will take 4 days for results, and if we get it now it will be at the lab in the morning. Is that ok?" Of course it was ok. Take the blood, take a few samples if you need to. She smiled and was gone. Mark and I were alone with our beautiful baby girl. I looked at him, and he was sad. I was sad, and confused. I had done both of the triple screen tests to find out if the baby would be born with any problems. They came back negative. What was going on? How was I going to tell my Mom? Questions began to flood my brain. What had I done to give her this? Was it the H1N1 shot? the Hep B shot I needed to go on my school practicum? I knew I hadn't gained enough weight, I must have starved her.

We tried to breastfeed, with no luck. My brother Brad and his girlfriend Sarah came to see her and we had to tell them what was going on. I waited for the disappointed look in their face, but it didn't come. My Mom came and I told her, I waited for the disappointed look, and it didn't come. Mark took her to the nursery to meet her, and I sat in my room alone. I thought about random things like having to go home and get a job to pay for whatever she needed. How was she going to go to school? How was I going to explain to her big sister that her sister was different from her?

Mark was so tired from him crazy day before, he lay down on the horrible pull out chair and tried to fall asleep. I was awake most of the night. I couldn't sleep, I was alone. I knew we had to wait 4 days for Ola's blood results. How was I going to make it through 4 days.

The next day the information started. First a visit from the OB to see how I was through the night. A hug from the nurse with an "I am so sorry..." A visit from the pediatrician that we have come to know and trust. A visit from the hospital social worker with a resource manual for our local Down Syndrome society. Why were these people talking about DS? We didn't know that she had it. Stop talking to us like she does I thought. She could have something else right? Maybe she just has almond shaped eyes and little ears? but, I knew, I knew what the results would say. Mark had to take our cord blood sample in, he left the hospital again, I was alone, and I started to cry. I called my friend Cynthia. I had to tell her.

Cynthia and her baby Jack came to the hospital, it made me feel normal, like everything was ok. She was there for Ola's first bath, but I had to cut our visit short, and I was back to the nursery to visit with Ola. My brother Brad and Sarah came to visit later in the day, but I had to leave them. Ola was having trouble in the nursery... her blood oxygen levels had dropped without reason, she needed an IV, they needed more blood samples, and she had jaundice. She looked so tiny under the Billi lights, and so sick with the iv and lines running to her.

They discharged me that day, and she stayed for 4 more. It was hard to leave her behind, but I just wanted to hug Poppy and my Mom. I wanted to be at home. There was nothing I could do for her at the hospital. Just stare at her through the incubator.

I visited over the next 4 days, I searched her face looking for a trace of Me, Mark or Poppy. All I could see was the DS. I knew in my heart she had it, I just knew it. She didn't cry and I could hardly get her to eat.

Our pediatrician called us on the Monday and gave me the news. She had the extra chromosome. It was Downs, and I was right. I didn't want to tell Mark I knew he had been praying it wouldn't be. the doctor told me the next steps. Rule out heart problems, digestive problems. We would be going to Children's hospital in the next little bit to see a cardiologist. The first step was to get her home. He couldn't find the infection that they thought she had, so the IV came out. The jaundice had lessened and she took off her glasses. she was ready to come home.

I was so sad when we were told that she had DS for sure, but I knew that it would be ok. We would be OK. I cried hard that day, then the tears slowed and I realized we had been given a gift.

I brought her home and she was different. She wasn't the sick little girl from the hospital, she was my daughter. She was beautiful, she had a crazy hair just like her big sister, she fit right in. She fit in just like I had imagined she would. I put her in outfits that Poppy had worn, and I could see it, I could finally see the similarities.

We had a few moments at home with weight loss, a little bit of the jaundice came back, still no breastfeeding and a craptastic breast pump from the drug store that didn't work very well.

But we also had the great moments. A visit from the health unit with a wonderful nurse that I talk to almost daily. The weight gain! oh the weight gain! A party everytime there was a poop or a pee (this means that her digestive system is in full working order!) Learning about her silly faces, The visit to the Cardiologist at Children's hospital and the high 5 when he told us that her heart was PERFECT! More weight gain! A great visit with the wonderful infant development center and her great assessment, getting latched to the breast, even if it was only for 10 minutes! Visits from family and friends with kind supportive words, words that have helped me get through....and the moments just keep coming.

We are so proud of Ola and all of the obstacles that she has already overcome to get to 3 weeks old. I won't say that the tears are done, as I am sure there will be sad moments. But for now, our beautiful special little girl is home, is healthy and is happy. Taking the wise words from another mother with a daughter with DS. Our daughter does not suffer from DS, she just lives with it. It will not define her, it is merely a part of her.

Ola's ear has straightened out, no need to worry about that :) She is eating like a champ from the bottle, and I don't need to wake her in the night anymore. I almost have enough breast milk to cut out the formula altogether. Her floppy head and arms are getting stronger, and she smiles the best smiles. Her heart is healthy, her digestive system is functioning normally and her vision and hearing appear to be fine. All the things that seemed like un-climb-able mountains 3 weeks ago have changed into a grain of sand.

I also now know that there was nothing that neither Mark or I did wrong to make Ola have DS. I know in the beginning I was coming up with all sorts of reasons, but honestly it was a totally random happening in either my egg or Marks sperm. Our pediatrician explained to us that in my case that my eggs were already assigned whatever was going to happen as soon as I was conceived. With Mark, if it was his sperm, it could have been one of tens of millions, and had we conceived her on another day, it might not have happened. What are you gonna do?

I cannot thank our families and friends enough for all of their kind words both about Ola and about Mark and I. Your words are making me a better mother everyday :) so... THANK YOU!!!

Our family will be different now, different than what was expected. Different now because I have two daughters instead of one. Not because one of them happens to have Down Syndrome.

This blog will no longer just be about my dolls. I want to share more of my life, my families life. I want the opportunity to share our experiences with others. We have already been touched with kind words from other families sharing similar experiences with us, and if I can shed a little bit of light and hope for another family who are going through what we have I would like to help.

So... shall we toast? TO NEW BEGINNINGS!