"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

A conversation has come up a few times in the last few months. Sometimes I discuss it by myself while the girls are napping and I am doing dishes. Sometimes Mark and I talk about it before we are falling asleep at night.

I have always wanted to have 4 kids (well after I got over the I am never having kids stage of my life.) I grew up with lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles and big family reunions by the lake. I always had friends that wondered why I couldn't hang out on the weekend while I had family in town. There was no way I was going to miss anything while they were visiting.

I loved those times.

So the questions is... Do I want to have more kids?

Truth is I do. Well... I think I do. Sometimes...

I bounce back and forth, back and forth on the subject. there are pros and cons on both sides. Mainly on the negative is the fact that my house is 900 square feet and it's packed with the four of us. Another is that I have a husband that isn't that domestic, and by domestic I mean doesn't change diapers. I think he has changed 4 in his whole life, and no I am not exaggerating, in fact I think I might be giving him a free one. I would need backup, major backup on parenting three kids and I just don't have it. Well I do, but... oh never mind.

Anyway I digress...

Of course the fact that Ola has Down syndrome also crosses my mind. The thought of having another child with Ds scares that crap out of me. I am not going to lie. We would have genetic blood work done if getting pregnant was actually going to happen, but for right now I am way to lazy to go get blood work done.

The main 2 pro's on my list always stays the same.

1) So Ola will have a bigger family to love her up all day long

2) So Poppy will have siblings to help her help Ola.

I know that to some people #2 might seem really stupid and sometimes when I say it out loud I feel like a jerk for saying it. Parents whose children have Ds have no idea how much it will affect their kids. Not knowing how much help Ola will need when she is an adult makes me both optimistic and scared shitless. And since we are honest over here, lets just put it out on the table that I feel horrible that Poppy may have to step in one day as Ola's caregiver when I get old and god forbid die.

Hence that have more babies so Poppy will have help to help Ola. Ugh... typing it again make me feel even more stupid.

We all hope that our kids will grow up, live long and prosper, and become contributing members to society. But we also know that the dead beats in our world came from somewhere, and they have mothers that might have been thinking the same thing I am thinking right now.

I decided to take it to Poppy. Well she brought it to me and then I ran with it. We have really good conversations in the car.

"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

" Umm yeah..." ugh... reminder to self... do more of the 30 day shredd.

"Why?"

"Why do I have a big belly? umm because I like to eat ice cream and because I had two babies?" yeah babies...that's the reason :)

"Oh..." she looks concerned that I brought up babies.

"There isn't any babies in my tummy right now though."

"Oh good!"

"What! Poppy wouldn't you like another baby sister?"

"NO!"

"Oh... what about a baby brother?"

"NO!!! No more babies!"

"Really? I thought you would like another sister or brother..."

"Nope. I have Ola.... (wait for it....) I have Ola and she is perfect."

Just like that.

She said it.

And that moment was perfect, and I cried. But what else is new. She always makes me cry.

In that moment I knew that she isn't going to care if she has to help Ola out. Ola is her sister and she loves her.

and really, that's all that matters.