smash

Just so I don't worry anyone, let me say this. The girls and I were in a car accident, we are OK.

Our car, maybe not so much...

It just looks like a missing bumper, but the damage might be worse. If this is what a written off Volvo looks like, I wouldn't have wanted to be in any other car.

I was driving the girls home from getting their new shoes. Ola needed a pair of high tops to support her new braces (more on those later), and well Poppy just wanted a new pair because Ola got did.

I sat in the mall parking lot for a few minutes before we left returning a phone call to the hospital about my looming lumbar puncture appointment (more on that later too.) 

I started driving home and on a straight stretch of road close to our home, it happened.

A man driving a older car sped through a stop sign. I spotted his car and slammed on my brakes a swerved to the right. I hit him hard on his rear fender sending him into a spin. I slowed to a immediate stop, and he continued in to a large boulder across the road. I swung my car around to the other side of the road where he was, and quickly checked the girls. Poppy was wide eyed and quiet, Ola was fast asleep.

Ola sleeps like a baby in our Volvo (this was not on crash day, and I was parked when I took this photo)

I went to check on the other driver and once I knew he was ok, I asked him why he didn't stop at the sign. He said he didn't even see it, he was looking at the rock across the road. 

I called Mark. "Please come help me. The girls and I were in a bad car accident." I might choose my words more carefully next time and omit the word "bad" just to save his sanity. It is only a 2 minute drive from our house, but still.

He arrived and took control of the situation. He gave me a hug, called the police, and an ambulance, and checked on the other driver. I stayed with the girls, and asked the witness if she saw what happened. He came back gave me another hug and I cried.

We got checked by the ambulance, the girls appeared fine. The driver took note of Ola's Down syndrome and noted that she couldn't verbalize her pain, but that I would take her to the hospital if she started acting unusual. My arm was numb and my heart was racing. 

We talked with the police and got phone numbers and I drove home. Pulling through the last stop sign by our house sent me into an emotional meltdown. I started crying and by the time I parked in our driveway I was sobbing. 

Poppy unbuckled herself and hugged me. It was awful, I just kept thinking what if, what if?  I was pretty much a mess for the rest of the day, I hardly ate and I was so so tired. I couldn't sleep that night, I just kept seeing the flash of the white car and then feeling the smash. Over and over all night long. I was happy to have the nightmares as long as the kids didn't.

I flinched yesterday as we drove past the spot. I guess that's normal. 

I told my Mom that even though my phone was no where near me when the accident happened, that I promised that I would never touch it while I was driving again. I think we are all guilty of grabbing our phone when it beeps or rings. I stopped texting and driving a long time ago, so this is the next step. I can answer my phone with my handsfree headset and that's it. If I had my phone in my hand when that accident happened I couldn't have controlled my car the way that I did, and I shudder to think of what might have happened. Ola would have had the full impact of that crash on her door, and my free hands prevented that from happening. When I spoke to the adjuster at ICBC he told me that I have 16 years of safe driving. I couldn't believe it. 16 years? And only one speeding ticket. I thought I was safe but hearing him tell me that I was made me feel better.

I find out tomorrow if my car will get fixed or written off. I love my car, and now that I have had the Volvo experience in a crash I don't want any other car but my own. 

Poppy on the other hand thinks that our rental van is going to be awesome.

Parked waiting in the border line-up with my favourite quiet driving time friend.

Lets end this thing on a happy note shall we? Today is the last day to comment on the previous post to be entered to win the Cuppow! and painted jar giveaway!

glimpses in the mirror

The girls and I were driving around yesterday. The radio was on, I was singing, Poppy was being silly and Ola was watching her sister intently.

I usually have my rear view mirror tipped a little more in Poppy's direction because she like to talk (a lot) to me while I am driving. It's easier for me to catch everything if I can see her a little bit.

Poppy starts bouncing her hand over her mouth while she is making random noises, I always think of this sound as the stereotypical non politically correct way that someone would imitate native tribal chants... you know what I mean... right?

anyways... She does a few, and laughs, looks at Ola and then looks at me. Does a few more, laughs a little harder, looks at Ola who giggles this time, and looks at me who has now noticed Ola giggling. And we do this dance for a minute or two, then Ola copies Poppy. Poppy looks to me in the mirror to see if I caught it and I acnkolwledge her with a eyebrow tilt. We laugh, and encourage Ola to keep mimicing her sister, and she is laughing, belly laughs now, and she stops to say "ay" (yay) and clap. We clap, we chant, we laugh.

I tilt my mirror a little more in Ola's direction now. I can see her face, her happy cherubic face, her eyes slitted from smiling so hard. She stops to clap for herself again...

And it hits me, I can feel the tears welling up and I am proud. It feels like forever I am staring at Ola, almost in slow motion... I can't believe how she is changing, it's amazing.

Poppy catches the tear falling in the mirror. "Mommy are you ok?"

"I'm great Poppy, Mommy is just really happy. I love you."

"I love you to Mommy."

and just as I look back to Ola she blows me a kiss.


Perfection

"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

A conversation has come up a few times in the last few months. Sometimes I discuss it by myself while the girls are napping and I am doing dishes. Sometimes Mark and I talk about it before we are falling asleep at night.

I have always wanted to have 4 kids (well after I got over the I am never having kids stage of my life.) I grew up with lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles and big family reunions by the lake. I always had friends that wondered why I couldn't hang out on the weekend while I had family in town. There was no way I was going to miss anything while they were visiting.

I loved those times.

So the questions is... Do I want to have more kids?

Truth is I do. Well... I think I do. Sometimes...

I bounce back and forth, back and forth on the subject. there are pros and cons on both sides. Mainly on the negative is the fact that my house is 900 square feet and it's packed with the four of us. Another is that I have a husband that isn't that domestic, and by domestic I mean doesn't change diapers. I think he has changed 4 in his whole life, and no I am not exaggerating, in fact I think I might be giving him a free one. I would need backup, major backup on parenting three kids and I just don't have it. Well I do, but... oh never mind.

Anyway I digress...

Of course the fact that Ola has Down syndrome also crosses my mind. The thought of having another child with Ds scares that crap out of me. I am not going to lie. We would have genetic blood work done if getting pregnant was actually going to happen, but for right now I am way to lazy to go get blood work done.

The main 2 pro's on my list always stays the same.

1) So Ola will have a bigger family to love her up all day long

2) So Poppy will have siblings to help her help Ola.

I know that to some people #2 might seem really stupid and sometimes when I say it out loud I feel like a jerk for saying it. Parents whose children have Ds have no idea how much it will affect their kids. Not knowing how much help Ola will need when she is an adult makes me both optimistic and scared shitless. And since we are honest over here, lets just put it out on the table that I feel horrible that Poppy may have to step in one day as Ola's caregiver when I get old and god forbid die.

Hence that have more babies so Poppy will have help to help Ola. Ugh... typing it again make me feel even more stupid.

We all hope that our kids will grow up, live long and prosper, and become contributing members to society. But we also know that the dead beats in our world came from somewhere, and they have mothers that might have been thinking the same thing I am thinking right now.

I decided to take it to Poppy. Well she brought it to me and then I ran with it. We have really good conversations in the car.

"Mom do you still have a big belly?"

" Umm yeah..." ugh... reminder to self... do more of the 30 day shredd.

"Why?"

"Why do I have a big belly? umm because I like to eat ice cream and because I had two babies?" yeah babies...that's the reason :)

"Oh..." she looks concerned that I brought up babies.

"There isn't any babies in my tummy right now though."

"Oh good!"

"What! Poppy wouldn't you like another baby sister?"

"NO!"

"Oh... what about a baby brother?"

"NO!!! No more babies!"

"Really? I thought you would like another sister or brother..."

"Nope. I have Ola.... (wait for it....) I have Ola and she is perfect."

Just like that.

She said it.

And that moment was perfect, and I cried. But what else is new. She always makes me cry.

In that moment I knew that she isn't going to care if she has to help Ola out. Ola is her sister and she loves her.

and really, that's all that matters.