if I don't answer, call back.

Two days ago I called the telephone company and cancelled our voicemail and our caller display. This was not done in a moment of stick it to the man, screw technology moment of spontaneity. It was more done in a desperate attempt to save another $12 a month. You know you are in a dire financial state when you are worried about cancelling your voicemail.

Now if you would have spoken to me as recently as last night you would understand how much this whole thing has upset me. I have been a crying, bawling, sobbing mess of a mother the last couple of days. Today on the other hand I am feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole thing. Cancelling the call display and voicemail didn't cause all of the tears, they were more or less just the cherry on top of what I would call a long, truth telling, reality check of a week. The kind of reality check that is like getting smacked across the face with a stick.

When Mark and I took over the complete mortgage of our modest home back in December I knew that we were going to be in for it. I knew that we were going to be so house poor, but so rich in knowing that this little slice of previous grow up heaven would be ours and ours alone. I thought that we would figure it out and that we would be ok.

Thankfully when Mark got his new job a couple of months ago, I thought we were laughing. It was more like we were being laughed at. Even with the steady paycheque we were not able to make ends meet, and we were falling behind. Falling behind is really a sunshine and lollipop way of saying that we were drowning in bills and late payments on everything but this money hungry monster of a mortgage.

Having money on your mind constantly eats at you to the point where sleep isn't possible, and that combined with eating like crap and drinking way too much tea to try to make up for the lack of sleep turns you into a complete scattered mess.

I totally broke down when my Mom asked if I wanted help. Of course I wanted the help, but at the same time I feel like I got myself into this, I am going to get myself out of it. I didn't want to borrow money, but at the same time we were spending so much more trying to get out of the credit card debt we accumulated trying to get through a lull in work for most of last year.

Two days ago I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. I was spent... totally drained. No tears left, no energy, no motivation... nothing... absolutely nothing. It seemed everywhere I turned I needed money. Gas, groceries, more formula and Poppy asking for a cookie at the farmers market. That one broke me, how do you explain to a 3 year old that you just can't afford the cookie? ugh...

Admitting that you need some help is really hard. It's hard to say it out loud, but if I didn't I was scared that we would get into some serious money trouble that we might not be able to get ourselves out of.

So instead of throwing myself another full day pity party I decided to do some searching. I had a meeting today at our local Employment office (honestly a place I never thought I would go) and I am currently brainstorming a few ideas to implement into a home business.

Today I am trying to put a different spin on having to cancel our voicemail. I am old enough to remember a time without answering machines and I remember getting our first one. I promptly figured out how to get a C+C Music Factory song on it. Yeah I was that cool.

I remember a time where there was no such thing as call display, or cellphones, or a 300 channel option on cable. Do I really need these things? No, I have dealt without them before. I was told today that old school is the new school, so really I am right on top of the latest trend.

Not having call display is't the end of the world, but man those telemarketers are annoying, even more so when you don't know if it's your mother calling, or someone trying to sell you a magazine subscription. Today I answered two of the latter.

So... If I don't answer, call back.