one

A week before Ola was going to be turning one I was in full denial that she had a birthday coming up. I had a basic idea of what I wanted to do. I made the invites and had sent them in time. I knew who was coming, but I still felt unprepared and not ready for her to turn one.

I remember the week of her birthday I was feeling really glad. Really glad that I had made it through the first year. When she was born I didn't think I would make it. Her unexpected diagnosis obviously threw me, and when I was sitting with her in the nursery I couldn't even imagine what she would be like at one. She was the tiniest, quietest little bit of a thing. She seemed a little distant, but I know that is because I was separated from her so much for the first 5 days. I swore the nurses were trying to keep her away from me. Every time I would make it in thinking I could feed her they would have just finished and she would be sleeping. Just when I thought I could sneak in a little cuddle time they would have just put her back under the billi lights. Honestly I really hated walking in and out of that hospital without her. I felt like a huge failure, and it was depressing. I cried almost every time I got back out to my car. I only cracked once and cried in front of a nurse and I thought there was no way she would let me take my baby home. I was scared to cry there, to show any sign of weakness.

I talked to Mark during that week about how a year ago this was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. It was seriously the saddest/scariest part of my whole entire life. I know that sounds bad but let me explain a  little. We were so unbelievable happy about Ola being born, and really she was a healthy, happy baby. I am smiling in the above picture... see :) Any parent that is given any type of news about any type of health problem I think is upset. It was just so damn scary to not really know anything about Ds. When I was initially reading the info it was all the worst case scenario type stuff. Heart defects, deafness, blindness, different grades of mental retardation. Those two words were the worst. Mental Retardation. I think it's time to come up with a new term people. I hate that term in relation to my daughter. I prefer Developmental Delays. Do you hear me medical people! It's time for a change. (Ok so there is my rant!)

I digress...

I just wish that a year ago as a scared Mama I could have taken a little red pill that would have sent me to now to know that everything is alright. I wish that new moms that are having their beautiful babies now could do the same. I wish that I could hold their hand and pass them a kleenex and tell them that really every thing is going to be OK. Really. It is.

Back to the party.

I wanted to have a birthday breakfast for Ola. I figured she wouldn't be eating her cake, and she couldn't eat a hot dog so we were having breakfast. She loves herself some oatmeal cereal and blueberries.

We got everyone to my parents house for 9:30, and ate!

Mark insisted that there be waffles, so he manned the waffle station.

Mom made muffins, and scones. We had fruit and a cereal buffet. We had big kettles of tea and coffee, and pitchers of juice and milk.

It was on Easter weekend so we had an Easter Egg hunt

Ola saw her mini cupcake and in high-insight she could have tried it. After her choking episode I am not rushing the food anymore.

I made all these little suckers. Don't worry I had a pan.

birthday girl!

they were just too darn cute I had to take lots of pictures

One of the goals we set for Ola was to be able to sit by her first birthday. We worked hard on it and she did it! At 11 months! It was really important to me that we have a picture so we set her up by my parents garden and had a photo shoot!

It was a beautiful day for April and I am so glad that we got to have the whole thing outside. I think it actually got hot at one point!

I am just so glad that we have Ola. She is the teacher and we are her students. She teaches me everyday and for that I am thankful.

Now I fully realize that it is the end of May and that Ola turned one in April. Her birthday party was a little late because my parents were in Hawaii and I didn't want them missing any of the action. 

seven

Thirteen years ago this fall I was 19 and had freshly been dumped by my first love, over the phone. I was starting night school and I was nervous. I had to re-do math and chemistry to improve my transcripts for  a college program I wanted to take. I was early so I went to find my classroom. I was the first one there and the door was still locked. I made myself comfortable on the floor in front of some lockers and waited. Pretending to read a book, I watched peoples feet as they walked past. Then I saw them. Hiking boots. My first love was big into hiking, and trying to be the best girlfriend on the planet so was I. I looked up and saw a skinny, nerdy looking guy with glasses, a big nose, and a weird haircut. A really bad, tight white t-shirt (with a little zipper near the neck. yuck!), faded black jeans and the boots. I put my head back down and sneakily watched him walk to the door and try the knob. He was walking with a girl (his girlfriend I assusmed) and then he walked away. A few minutes later the teacher opened the door and I walked in. I sat down near the back and took out my stuff. People filed in and then nerdy guy walked past and sat at the front in the far right corner of the room. He looked back and I smiled, put my head back down and told myself that I was still heartbroken and to forget about him.

The teacher told us that we had assigned seat and he called out our names one by one. When he got to me I was directed to the very front seat second from the right. 5 other seats were filled and then he called out" Mark". The nerdy hiker got put right back in the seat he was in before, but now he was right beside me. I smiled again, and looked forward.

The first night was hard, I was (and am) so bad at math. I didn't bring my caluclator and I was worried that I was already looking hopeless to my teacher.

I started walking out and "Mark" came up behind me and said hi. I thought he seemed nice, but he really impressed me when he walked me to my jeep that night. The parking lot for the school is a bit shady so I apreciated the gesture. He was parked close to me in a little blue/purple car that he drove fast.

I went home and told my Mom and my Auntie Cathy all about him. That he had hiking boots!, a last name that I couldn't even attempt to say properly. I told them about the glasses and the t-shirt (ugh). I am pretty sure they could tell that I was smitten.

I had classes twice a week. I thought about him all weekend,  When I walked into my chemistry class the next Tuesday the mystery girl that Mark was with was in my class. She recognized me, and introduced herself. She was Marks cousin (his cousin!) I secretly jumped for joy inside my body. Apparently he had noticed me the first night as well, but not because of my shoes, becasue of my Jeep.

On Thursday I dressed as cute as I could and I am pretty sure I wore my hiking boots too! We chatted a bit more and he walked me to my car again at the night. In a total stalker move I waited for him to leave and I followed him home. I felt like a total bad ass following him, I let him turn into his cul-d-sac and I turned around a left. He didn't live far from me, I was even more excited.

At some point in those early weeks I gave him my phone number. He started calling, and hanging out at my house a lot. I told my Mom we were doing math, but she knew we just wanted to sit at the dining room table and stare at each other. We were friends, and hadn't even touched hands and then he asked me out. I thought he wanted to go on a group date and I am pretty sure I hurt his feelings when I asked if his cousin would be there with her boyfriend too. He recovered and picked me up for our date in his purple car. I still didn't know him that well, and that night while we were driving I told him that if I went missing no-one would ever know where to look for me. He had driven to the beach on all the scary back roads that up until that point I had never driven on. We walked to the beach and then we drove to dinner.

Sitting at dinner he asked if he could ask me a hypothetical question. If a guy liked this girl, but the guy had a girlfriend should he tell the girl he likes? Umm yeah you should tell me you have a girlfriend! He did, and told me that they were breaking up. She was on vacation far away and they were breaking up as soon as she got home.   I told him that we could be friends, but that I didn't even want him holding my hands until he was single. He listened and didn't try anything.

He kept me updated on his relationship status at school and with phone calls, and then on November 4th 1998 he asked me to be his girlfriend. Really, he asked and I had to check a box in the card he gave me. :) All those nerdy things about him had become cute (big nose and all!) and I was falling in love.

Us at some point in our dating ( I am pretty sure this was for an anniversary, we didn't get all fancy for nothing!

Then after a brief and heart wrenching breakup (and makeup) on October 30th 2002 he asked me to marry him.

On May 22nd 2004 we got hitched! It was such a nice day, and friends and family told us that it was the best wedding ever. I still personally think it's the best one I have ever been to, but I am a little biased.

Seven years ago I married my best friend.

aww.... look at those fake nails!

Obviously a lot happens in 7 years, but I think that this last year has been one of the hardest years that we have had. A combination of money (or a lack there of) , streeses about the kids and our health, family life, jobs (or lack there of) has really shown to me what love can withstand. The kind of love that in one minute makes you laugh and then in the next makes you cry. The kind of love that make you want to rip your hair out and run away and then brings you right back in for a hug.

Even though sometimes there are things that I am sure we would both like to change about one another I am glad that I am on this journey with him. When I asked him what he wanted to do for our anniversary he said he wanted me to go to church with him today. I did, and you know what it was really nice to be there so I could tell Poppy all about our wedding day. We sat upstairs so we could look over the whole church and it was really nice.

This was the only photo I could find of us together more recently from Ola's baptism..

So here we are 7 years after the day, a little heavier (me) and little hairier (not me!) and a little more harried with 2 kids.

I wouldn't change anything.

(Ok I can't lie, 20lbs gone would be nice!)
         

how often do you fake it?

I had my second roller derby practice tonight. My right thigh is throbbing, my back is aching, my hip is (wait let me check...) not bruised, but sore.

Tonight was hard. So hard that I had a lump in my throat after the first half hour. Those pesky lumps that are soon followed my tears. The lumps that won't allow you to speak, because if you try, tears are going to flow. 

I thought to myself. I don't belong here. What am I doing here? My baby is at home with a fever, and my 3 year old is waiting for me to get home to put her to bed. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am NOT a roller derby player. Seriously what the heck am I  thinking coming here? I can't do this. I am a total faker.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that I can't skate very well, I know that it is going to take me a long time to get there, and really that is ok. Going to roller derby has another purpose.

Roller derby is a time for me to be me. Now I realize that "me" has a lot of components. 

Leanna the wife

Leanna the mother

Leanna the daughter, sister, hobby farmer, child courier, Ds advocate, cook, maid, people pleaser, station wagon driving, converse wearing girl.

The "me" that I know right now is very focused on everything else but me. Even my extra curricular activities mostly revolve around Ds. There are lots of things that I want to do, but they just don't "fit in" right now. I have a busy schedule, It has taken me two days to get back to my dog groomer for goodness sakes.

Roller Derby is a time for me to be me. Whatever that means. It's a time where I can just go and skate, fall down and escape. I was feeling really overwhelmed. The coach wanted us to get into a formation so we could weave in and out of one another. There was no way that I figured I could do that. I was going to knock down each and every one of those girls. I was going to knock them down and they were going to hate me. I was going to make them fall and they would get bruised, and they were going to hate me, and I really don't want them to hate me.

So instead of getting into formation, I swerved to the outside edge and did wide laps on my own. I could feel the tension in my body. My back was aching, my right thigh was throbbing, my jaw hurting from clenching my jaw in my mouth guard. And then it happened, I let it go. I told myself that Ola was fine with my Mom fever and all. That Poppy would be fine staying up an extra half hour so I could put her to bed. My jaw relaxed and my skates coasted along the rink. I sped up, and my body relaxed. I did two cross overs in a row, and the feeling of flying came back to me just like I hoped it would. It took me back to skating up and down the tar lined streets of my early childhood, blasting NKOTB on my white and teal Sony walkman. This was the feeling I had been waiting for. The freeing feeling, like I could just if only for an hour and half be me. Just me.

After the hour was over and I rolled over to sit down and take my skates off, the lump was still there but the feeling behind it was different.

Instead of feeling not worthy of skating with the team, I felt proud that I could get to the point where I could just let go and take in the moment. The moment where I can put Ds, fevers and coughs out of my mind and focus on me.

Well me, and that ref counting how many times I can skate the track in 5 minutes. I hear that the goal is 25 laps in 5 minutes. 

I did 20.

Maybe I am not such a bad skater after all?

you've come a long way baby

May 4th 2010, such a teeny tiny little girl

May 4th 2011, what a difference a year makes!

Don't worry I haven't forgotten about the birthday post! It's coming I promise!